bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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