The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
