Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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