Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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