this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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