im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
