yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
