is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
