We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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