Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
