Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
