You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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