I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
