What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
