Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
