Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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