Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
