You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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