If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
