my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize