Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
