we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
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yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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