So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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