As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
