god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize