Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
