If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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