Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
