Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
