Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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