I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
