The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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