he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
