You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You were trust falling into bushes
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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