the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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