That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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