Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
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I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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