dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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