It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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