best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
