i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
