I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
