Just cropdusted the office
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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