note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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