I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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