my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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