I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
