u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
