plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
