Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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