Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
