My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
