So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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