We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
