hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
