From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
