Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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