If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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