Moan for me like Helen Keller
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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