I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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