Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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